I Should Have Spoken Up

***Warning: Strong language***

I should have spoken up when, in the 11th grade, a boy told me to wear a different bra because his friends would stare at my breasts every time I ran past them. I should have told him to tell his friends to stop staring at and objectifying me. I should have told him that he had no right to suggest what I should and should not wear, and that he should focus on making women feel comfortable and safe no matter what. Instead, I changed my running path the very next day.

I should have spoken up when a group of boys would sit on the stairs at my high school and pass comments or judgement at the girls walking by who had hair on their legs. Instead, I would either shave, wear jeans or avoid those stairs altogether.

I should have spoken up when a boy would blatantly objectify women and pass crass comments about them in front of me. I should have spoken up each time he said “She has the ass of a goddess”, “I would tap that”, “Brown pussy is nasty. I prefer white pussy any day.” Instead, I kept quiet and attempted to quickly change the subject.

I should have spoken up when some of my best friends were groped, were sent unsolicited pictures, or were made to feel uncomfortable by a boy we had all grown up with. I should have reported it to an adult, a teacher, anyone. Instead, I kept quiet and we only talked about it amongst ourselves.

I should have spoken up when a boy wanted to break up with me because he thought the physical aspects of our relationship were not enough. I should have spoken up when he told me that the only difference between a girlfriend and a friend is “getting action” from one and not from the other. I should have said that getting him off was not my sole purpose and that being in a romantic relationship is so much more than having a friend you can fuck. Instead, I cried and apologised, and ended up staying in an emotionally taxing relationship for another year.

I should have spoken up when I was called out of my high school study hall for wearing shorts as it was a “distraction for the boys”. I should have spoken up when the school prohibited girls from wearing shorts or skirts to study hall. Instead, I kept quiet and followed the rules. When discussing with my male friend about how they should teach boys better instead of telling girls to cover up, I was met with a scornful look and told that I was wrong.

I should have spoken up when a boy told me I “wasn’t like the other girls”. I should have told him how messed up it was that I was being made to compete with my own sisters and friends, whom I respect and admire so much. I should have told him that there is no right way to be a girl and that we need to stop being pitted against each other. Instead, I smiled, said “Aww” and hugged him.

I wish teenage me was smarter and spoke up more when something was wrong. I wish I could go back in time and change my reactions to these experiences. I wish I had been more brave.

So, here’s me vowing to be braver, stronger and wiser. Here’s me vowing to stand up and speak out more. Here’s me vowing to smash the damn patriarchy and fight the misogyny that has been internalised for so long.